13 july 2013
a state of ice cream
a state of ice cream
mississippi texas to get ice cream sometimes. she's so nice.
do you want ice cream today? alaska if she'll take us.
iowa stop to the ice cream parlor anyway to check out their new flavor.
i'm delaware that ice cream isn't the healthiest thing to eat, but as long as we eat enough of the five maine food groups we'll be fine.
yeah, if we had to give up ice cream, we'd surely live a life of missouri.
17 august 2012
spice things up
sit down and listen to my sage relationship advice.
if you want to curry favor with someone, you need to thyme it right.
tread gingerly the first few dates. keep your cloves on.
pepper your conversations with compliments.
it’s not too big a dill, just be yourself.
use your acumin and you should be fine
4 april 2012
23 march 2012
de chirico to a perfect interview
21 november 2011
thanksgiving tidbit
hairdo or hairdon't
their relationship existed in snippets.
he was knot her husbund,
but they blonded years ago.
that connection was permanent.
eventually they began shagging.
they moved to afro between being friends and lovers.
he would comb to the house when her husband was on business trips.
they misbeehived in all sorts of ways.
they hid the scandalous pixie took of her.
his visits were the highlight of her dreary life.
but suddenly they had a blowout.
he told her he dreaded being found out.
she begged him to reconsider, to talk it out over coiffee,
but he only said “i’m gonna have to mullet over.”
she listened to his voice fade away,
until all that was left was the buzz of an empty dial tone.
do you want ice cream today? alaska if she'll take us.
iowa stop to the ice cream parlor anyway to check out their new flavor.
i'm delaware that ice cream isn't the healthiest thing to eat, but as long as we eat enough of the five maine food groups we'll be fine.
yeah, if we had to give up ice cream, we'd surely live a life of missouri.
17 august 2012
spice things up
sit down and listen to my sage relationship advice.
if you want to curry favor with someone, you need to thyme it right.
tread gingerly the first few dates. keep your cloves on.
pepper your conversations with compliments.
it’s not too big a dill, just be yourself.
use your acumin and you should be fine
4 april 2012
read my tulips:
begonia! get out of
here you peony insect!
you lie, lack a sense of humor,
and are completely daffodull.
you don’t joke orchid around, let alone do standup.
i risked my neck to get you this comedy gig,
but now i wished i had kept mum about it.
i don’t know what in carnation i was thinking.
this is ranunculus; you are no comic at all!
in fact, you are now my worst anemone.
i’m getting daisy with anger and have grown impatiens.
you’d better leave before i get violet!
23 march 2012
de chirico to a perfect interview
when magritting your interviewer for the first time, firmly shake their hand.
they will have a schedule to keep, so do not dilly dalí on pleasantries.
be ernst about your strengths and try to minimize your weaknesses.
try not to sound too arrogant, though (even though you might be duchamp of the world).
research the company beforehand – you don’t want to have to make answers arp.
remember to kahlo send an email tanguying the person for their time, and good luck!
they will have a schedule to keep, so do not dilly dalí on pleasantries.
be ernst about your strengths and try to minimize your weaknesses.
try not to sound too arrogant, though (even though you might be duchamp of the world).
research the company beforehand – you don’t want to have to make answers arp.
remember to kahlo send an email tanguying the person for their time, and good luck!
21 november 2011
thanksgiving tidbit
30 october 2011
hairdo or hairdon't
their relationship existed in snippets.
he was knot her husbund,
but they blonded years ago.
that connection was permanent.
eventually they began shagging.
they moved to afro between being friends and lovers.
he would comb to the house when her husband was on business trips.
they misbeehived in all sorts of ways.
they hid the scandalous pixie took of her.
his visits were the highlight of her dreary life.
but suddenly they had a blowout.
he told her he dreaded being found out.
she begged him to reconsider, to talk it out over coiffee,
but he only said “i’m gonna have to mullet over.”
she listened to his voice fade away,
until all that was left was the buzz of an empty dial tone.
29 september 2011
a cheesy bad day
o queso yesterday was no gouda.
i woke up feeling bleu
realized i had ricotta cold,
i swissted my ankle while getting out of bed,
thought my coat rack was a muenster,
had asthma and couldn’t brie,
it was so cold out my teeth were cheddaring,
i feta cold but starved a fever,
a gorgon stole a wallet from my bag,
and i walked past 10 paneer handlers begging for change.
cheez whiz, it was a bad day!
16 july 2011
invert her braids
dear diary, cindy peed on the carpet.
arthur pawed at the door.
homeless dude told me, "you carry oats. try lil bite of this."
i could see he had bar knuckles, the punching kind.
my bf thor axed the homeless guy for me,
but then accidentally crushed asians.
that's not what iraq needs right now!
1 july 2011
religihonesty
does it seem like life keeps getting more and mormonotonous?
don’t jewish you were hot and successful like me?
well, i can make your life better if you follow my proven methodist!
(proven by tried and true scientological experiments)
first, you muslim down. sunni rather than later.
have a cathoholic beverage once in a while, but not too often.
lutheran up and live a little! shake your buddhist on the dance floor.
don’t let social norms hindu you. be yourself.
look in the mirror. shiite, look at how awesome you are!
you are off the jain!
if pressed, i be teary, man.
28 february 2011
more dessert, muppet?
om nom nom, what a delicious dinner! i feel like a little miss piggy.
more dessert, muppet?
om nom nom, what a delicious dinner! i feel like a little miss piggy.
i totally rowlfed that food down.
even when the plate was gonzo, i still wanted more,
and the hospitality made me feel so warm and fozzie.
i am glad you made me kermit to trying this place out.
it’s always fun to beaker ageous when checking out new restaurants.
ah! here’s the man responsible for our meal, “thank you for the sweet dish, chef!”
27 february 2011
i must be frank
i have finally mustard up the courage to tell you,
i sausage your buns when you were changing.
i might have seen your wiener too...
but hot dog! you have a nice bod!
maybe we could ketchup some time... get a coffee?
honestly, i'd relish the chance to pork you.
18 february 2011
passing notes at work
our boss is such a blowhard.
what precipitated the need for a staff meeting?
dewy really need to go?
i am moistly sure it will some pointless rambling about the budget.
he’s so longwinded, too.
“get your head out of the clouds! the money’s evaporating, people!”
all this talk of lightning our wallets? going pour? ugh.
i was having such a good friday, and this is gonna rain on my parade.
way to put a damper on the TGIF party, boss. you’re such a wet blanket!
well, let’s do something to cheer up, water you doing tonight?
i say we squeeze our thunder thighs into those spanx we got at nordstorm,
put on our slick leather pants,
and droplet like it’s hot.
5 february 2011
grandmother hen
now and hen i stop and think about dear old gramma.
the way she would cluck us in at night,
her pot roosts,
those coops of hot chocolate,
those times she would scream at mom to “git yolk kids outta my kitchen!”
one time i broke her teapot and i thought she would tar and feather me!
instead, she taught me a lesson about respecked for other people’s property.
gramma pretended to have a hardboiled exterior,
but once you cracked her shell, it turned out she was just a softy.
18 january 2011
coffeelings
i feel i must espresso my feelings. immediately.
i like coffee. i like it a latte.
you might say i’m a coffee caffeind.
sometimes i toss and turn at night, au just lait there thinking about coffee.
you might call me an optimisto, but i think coffee can change the world.
it brings all the americanos together, why not everyone else?
we just need to get the word out to the french press and other international newspapers.
there’s a storm brewing, i can feel it.
we must put aside our differences and accept one another as human beans!
27 december 2010
instrument of the law
i always knew you woodwind up in this mess.
you watched too many violint cartoons as a child.
and we oboeth know that your parents didn't set good examples, either.
your dad was the one that taught you to piccolo pockets, the only thing he taught you before he flute the coop, for goodness sakes!
this isn't some trumpet up charge either.
you need to know your actions have repercussions.
just sit tight, plead not guilty, and this will be over bassoon.
22 december 2010
capital idea, old chap!
i tokyo advice and want to start being more social.
i canberra be a bit more adventurous.
havana go out on the town tonight?
not a karaoke bar, cause you singapore song and might get booed.
what about a club? you can shake djibouti out on the dance floor.
i know one place that has some great seoul music.
we can check out the gay and lisbon bar downtown, if that’s more your scene.
if we get hungry, i know of a new delhi that has great sandwiches and is open til 2.
alright, we’ll decide on the way, just get in dakar and let’s go! 12 december 2010
bedtime story
it is pasta your bedtime,
but i will tell you a story before you farfalle asleep.
once upon a time, there was a barillant genius.
he used his noodle to unravioli even the most twisted riddles.
one day, a meanie linguine gave him an impossible puzzle,
and the genius didn't gnocchi the answer!
(orzo he thought)
he got boiling mad and shelled profanities at the meanie.
but once he cooled down, the genius gathered his pots and came up with the solution.
"of couscous, it was so simple!"
and he lived happily ever after, the end.
11 december 2010
get into that holiday spirit
can you reach that one, right there, on the top elf?
yes that one, please sleigh it down there, gently.
don’t be carols with it, it’s delicate!!
if you break it, yule feel my wreath.
i’ll scream bloody myrrhder!
i’ll have your snowballs in a vise, so help me!
get me your manger, i would like to have a word with him.
aw chestnuts, don’t cry… i’m not being serious.
to be frankincense, it’s just been a long day and i was adventing.
from now on, i will be positive, and stop all this neganativity.
1 december 2010
disco
time for some discourse on the topic of happiness.
i have begun to discover
that i am not as discontent with my life as i once was.
i no longer feel disconnected from everyone else.
this realization is discombobulating, and almost unreal.
i don’t want to discourage this dream.
i don’t want to wake from discoma.
24 november 2010
thanks, bro
dude, it’s time we talked turkey.
you said this business endeavor would yield cobs of money,
but i’ve yet to see a gravy train.
i hate to squash your dreams, but it’s time to get real.
you’ve yammered on and on about success,
and i think it’s time for you to stuff it.
whaddaya say we pack up and take a tryptophan thiet, vietnam?
it would be a berry cran adventure.
the pie’s the limit!
21 november 2010
a muddest proposal
you are so odorable,
and i want to grow mold with you.
i hope that you rust me when i say
i will never mildew you wrong.
i promise to work from dawn til musk
to earn a modest gross income.
what is your answer then, my funky valentine?
i really do not want to ooze you.
what? yes?!
oh, joy! i must be the muckiest man alive!!
17 november 2010
my favorite superhero
i am the batpan.
i have risen from the depths, a member of the uppercrust in a crumbing city.
you may beat me and bruise me, but i will not limpa or rye.
i pita the bad guys that dare to cross my path, for i will dewheat them all.
and to those who challa’d names at me in high school?
bet you thought i foccacia, but i remember! you’re so toast.
sticks and stones may bake my bones but words will never hurt me.
i’ll wipe out the breadful crime in this city, it’ll be so yeasty.
and when that’s done, i will dough wherever else i am kneaded
13 november 2010
advice to kitchen manpliances
hey all you broomin’ idiots
sorry to dishrag you from your daily soap operas,
but i gots to dish some advice.
read ‘em and sweep.
beware of the ladies, though they may be charmin.
at first, your relationship may seem like a febreze.
but later on, they will strong-arm and hammer you into committing.
they will palmolive your money without you even noticing.
beware, beware, don’t believe their lysol.
believe me, it’s always best to keep your moptions mopin’
8 november 2010
blind tasting date
bud,
can you savory me a seat at the movie theatre?
i might be a little late, traffic is terrible at this sour.
i’ll be the girl in the red dress with long bland hair
don’t worry, your patience will work in your flavor.
i will sweet you off your feet,
and by the end of the night i’ll have you exclaiming “umami!”
31 october 2010
a letter to my fruiture self:
i don’t know what your currant situation might be,
but i have somefig to say to you.
bad things apple durian your life for a raisin.
try not to be meloncholy.
your job will demandarin a lot from you.
you may be plum tired,
you may want to lime in bed all day,
you may say “this is the last strawberry! i quit!”
but don’t let the mango get you down.
remember, you are a silly gooseberry.
you are completely coconuts, don’t forget it.
and i really think you’re grape.
28 october 2010
trick or tree(t)
i know you said we should branch out,
but don’t you think this place is a little seedy?
alright, we can stick it out for a little bit,
but if things get weird i think we should leaf.
by the way, do you still keep that baseball bat in your trunk?
we might need it if we get into an aldercation.
oh man, check out the poor sap at the bar,
barking at the crabapple next to him.
“i’ve pined fir yew too long, you beech! you treated me like a dogwood and i’m knot gonna take it anymore! it’s time to spruce myself up and sycamore caring and loving mate.”
26 october 2010
all-aloney-on-my-ownium
my friends argon.
i used to have feelings, but now i barium.
and at every meal, iodine alone.
when faced with the prospect of social contact, iron away.
after all, love only causes sulfuring.
i admit, this lonely life can get pretty boron...
periodically, i get mercurious about what it would be like to be loved.
will i ever have that kind of chemistry with someone?
i am lead to believe that love and friendship are essential elements of life.
perhaps there is a silver of hope for me yet...
24 october 2010
art teacher
i know something that will solvent all your problems.
art you going to ask me what it is?
it will be easle, just takes some practice.
what doesn’t kiln you makes you stronger, after all.
just remember that everything in life is temperary.
and let go of your paintful memories.
23 october 2010
gray area
i do not agreen with you,
nor will i black away from this argument.
white are you so stubborn?
you pink you are sooooo well-red.
i teal you, you are completely wrong!
i will not mauve from this spot.
you’re going to stand your brown, too?
ok, let’s call a chartruse.
18 october 2010
don't piss off the boss
he really socked things up this time.
i mean, he’s been toeing the line lately,
but this time he’s taken one step too far.
that guy has always been a total heel and really callous.
don’t worry, i’ll fire his big fat bunion in the morning.
i mean, he’s been toeing the line lately,
but this time he’s taken one step too far.
that guy has always been a total heel and really callous.
don’t worry, i’ll fire his big fat bunion in the morning.
17 october 2010
needling
did you cotton on to the fact that i am crazy about you?
wool you always feel the same about me?
it’s thimble, just say you love me back.
you seam hesitant. why?
don’t disewn me!
darn.
15 october 2010
sweet talk
you better put on your snickers and get out the door or else you'll be chocolate to your meeting. did you see peppermint patty? i hershey shaved her head or something. well, talk to you now and later, nerds.
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